Subtext
by Kinitia
Summary: A series of stand-alone expansions on the too brief scenes between Anna and Mr. Bates, mostly from Bates POV, as well as the occasional missing scene. Series 2 spoilers!
1. s01e06

A/N: _These are extremely unoriginal, but I enjoy spending more time in the scenes, so I share them with you all._

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><p>He had always feared the day Anna found out about his past. When he had looked over at her after his confession, he expected to see disappointment or possibly disgust. She looked confused and wouldn't meet his eye. He wasn't sure what to make of it.<p>

As he stood out in the courtyard pondering his immanent dismissal, he'd been half-expecting, half-dreading her coming out to talk for a while. He braced himself as she came over to him.

"Will you really leave?"she asked. That was not the question he was expecting. Perhaps he should have. She had stuck with him this long, despite his refusals to reveal or explain his secrets. He knew most women would have given him up long before, but Anna was, among many other lovely things, tenacious.

The last thing Bates wanted was to be forced to leave Downton, but he had to accept the obvious. There was no way Lord Grantham was going to let him stay. They both needed to accept it. "I doubt His Lordship wants a thief in the house," he said with a little smile of self-depreciation. She just stood there watching him.

For a long time now, the selfish and unselfish sides of his love for her kept him vacillating between him wanting her to go find the good man she deserved and wanting her by his side always. Knowing he was doomed to leave gave his unselfish side the inducement it needed to push her away. "Go to sleep, and dream of a better man."

She rejected the idea immediately. "I can't—" she said with some despair and a shake of her head that ruthlessly denied the possibility. She finished with absolute conviction, "—because there isn't one."

Bates was floored. That was not how he was expecting that sentence to end. Her faith in him staggered him. There was nothing he could say in answer. This unshakable belief in him was something he had never experienced before and as his heart overflowed in appreciation he reached down and took her hand. Their gazes locked and something shifted between them. He looked back down at their hands. This touch wasn't enough for everything he was trying to express.

When they looked back up, he wasn't sure who moved first, he just found himself leaning in to kiss her as she was leaning toward him. Startled by the sound of the door opening and the rattle of bottles, he looked around with vast irritation at the interruption. Looking quickly down at Anna he saw her realize what they were doing and how much trouble they could get in for it, and he knew the moment was past reclamation. It was probably for the best. Their mutual loss of control for that moment was dangerous for both of them. As she quickly turned and left, he was filled with a sense of loss, both of that moment and the coming loss of her from his life when he would be forced to leave.


	2. s01e04

He'd missed Anna at dinner. Thomas had reveled in his triumph over William and while he had no problem quelling Thomas, it was more enjoyable when Anna was there as moral support. After everyone had left for the fair, Ms. O"Brien, Branson and himself were left sitting around the table in the servant's hall. As they worked at their various tasks, he knew he was taking a chance when he asked Ms. O'Brien about Anna, but lucky for him she moved straight past why he was asking the question into complaining about her lot in life. In this instance he didn't mind her unrelenting self-centeredness as it kept her from asking any awkward questions about his motives.

When Branson left to take Lady Violet home, Bates excused himself from the table too, put away his lordship's things and set about making up a tray for Anna.

She had done a kind thing for him that horrible day when she brought up a tray for him and he liked the symmetry of bringing her a tray when she was having a bad day. While it was what any friend would do, but he didn't try to convince himself he was just being kind because they were friends. He knew that she liked him a lot. And he knew he liked her a lot. More than he should. Anna—understandably he thought, since he deliberately tried to keep his feelings hidden—seemed unsure of how he felt and tried, to some degree, to hide her attraction. But he knew exactly how this would appear to her. The flowers he decided to include when he saw them sitting by the sink were particularly transparent, still he chose to ignore his nagging conscience and do what his heart wanted.

He prepared the tray and with a self-satisfied smile climbed the stairs to the servants quarters. He took it slowly and carefully. It wasn't easy, but he'd had enough practice over the last year that it wasn't an impossible struggle.

He had a moment of apprehension when he faced the terrible door. This was the significant hitch in his plan. He might be heard knocking, Anna might refuse to open the door, someone might come by as he stood there; a lot could go wrong. He knocked as quietly as he thought he could and still be heard by Anna in her room. Finally, he heard a door open and saw a shadow moving, so he knocked again and called out. He could hear the surprise in Anna's voice as she answered. Naturally she objected when he asked her to open the door, they could both be fired over this. Oh, he knew the door was important for everyone's reputation and he respected that, but it was really in his way at the moment and it was exasperating. He waited impatiently and finally heard Anna getting the key and opening the door.

Happiness swept through him when he saw her and he couldn't stop the grin that spread over his face as she opened the door and he presented the tray to her. She started to thank him, but he shushed her. Words were a bad idea, they could only lead to trouble, especially in the hallway. Besides didn't everyone say that actions speak louder than words? In his case, actions were the only way he could say what he wanted to. As she took the tray, she smiled in thanks and then looked surprisingly serious. He gave her a quick smile of to say 'you're welcome' and she smiled again in response. He wasn't sure how long they would have stood there gazing at each other—he would have been happy to stay there eternally—but a door opening down the corridor interrupted them, so he gave her a quick nod to close the door and she smiled her thanks again. Bates went back downstairs a happy man.


	3. s02e03

Series 2 SPOILERS! - Series 2 SPOILERS! - Series 2 SPOILERS!

SRSLY, if you haven't seen 2x03 yet, click away now!

A/N:_ This is such a great scene, I couldn't decide whose point of view to chose, so I did both. Thanks all, for the reviews/subscriptions!_

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><p>Mr. Bates was that close to her, in the same county, and he didn't tell her. After four years of living under the same roof and seeing each other every day, these last six months he'd been gone had been a torture for Anna. How could he stay away? If she had been this close, she wouldn't have remained hidden—witness her presence here in front of the Red Lion.<p>

She was angry. Betrayed. Hurt. And she desperately wanted to see him. She screwed up her courage and walked into the pub. She was glad she could reconnoiter the room unseen from behind the glass screen. When she saw Mr. Bates walk into view, she found herself simultaneously nervous, angry and joyful. She was so glad to see him, it was like a weight lifted from her shoulders. But how could he have not told her he was back? What kept him from her? She never believed he wanted to give his marriage a chance, but she still had no idea why he had left. It was so strange seeing him in this different place, pouring drinks. Was this the same man she knew? Had being with Vera sent him back to his old ways?

She stepped into the pub while his back was still to her and watched him as he handed over the drink he had poured. When he noticed her, the shock was obvious.

"Might I have a glass of cider?" she asked as he stared at her.

He managed to finish his transaction with his other customer without incident despite not paying attention to it. He had something of the look of a cornered animal resigned to its fate as she stepped up to the bar.

Now she was angry. In his absence, she found it easier to remember the love and forget the abrupt and horrible end, but seeing him again brought their last meeting right up before her, and he had left her. She knew he probably had his reasons, and they might even be good reasons, but he had broken her heart and left her. Left her for London and his wife. And then he didn't have the decency to tell her he was back, but made her come out to find him. Unfortunately, she was too well-mannered to pitch the fit she felt their situation deserved at this moment.

"I don't know if I've dreaded this moment or longed for it," he said. She knew exactly how he felt.

"Well, either way, it's happened," she replied stiffly. At her tone, he gave her that resigned look she recognized from when one of Thomas or O'Brien's schemes had come to light and he knew everything around him was going horribly wrong.

He got her her drink and left the the bar to the other barman and showed her to a seat. She sat down and took a drink of her cider. He just watched her. She took another sip. Finally he broke the silence and, in his low undertone that she normally found so mesmerizing, he asked, "How'd you find me?"

Anna looked up from her drink. "I thought I saw you in village," she said evenly, "and then Lady Mary found you were working here, through Sir Richard. So I came here." Because you wouldn't come to me, she didn't say.

"It was me," he replied. "I knew you used to go to the village on a Wednesday... and I so longed for a glimpse of you."

Nice of him to say, but he still had explaining to do. "But why are you up here at all," she asked, "and why didn't you tell me?" The second part of the question was what was really bothering her. He might have recognized that because he answered it first.

"'Cause I wanted to get things settled first. You see, I've discovered Vera has been unfaithful to me." He sounded slightly aggrieved by that. "And I've got proof."

Anna hardly felt they were in any position to cast stones. "We can't criticize her for that."

"No," he said, "but it does mean I can divorce her. I had to leave the house to prove that it has broken the marriage. So I came up her to be nearer you."

Anna was confused. He wanted to be closer to her, but he wasn't actually willing to come talk to her? Typical Mr. Bates. He had a seemingly pathological fear of explaining things. Why would he never trust her with the whole truth?

"But what if she fights it?" From what Anna had seen so far, Vera wasn't going to just let him go.

"She can't," he said with surety. As he explained the law, Anna found herself distracted by the patent unfairness of it.

"That's not very fair to women," she said, looking away as she recognized that she was being contrary and petty because she was still angry with him, and it was easier to worry about women's suffrage than to deal with the fact that he was married.

Apparently, Mr. Bates also recognized the diversion for what it was since he replied with some asperity, "I don't care about fairness, I care about you." At his declaration, her eyes snapped back to his face and he continued, "The point is, I can get rid of her. If she goes quietly I will give her money and plenty of it. If not, she goes away empty-handed."

Anna well remembered Mr. Bates previous promises that Vera's greed could be used to get her to leave them alone. If she had been a little cold toward him before she became positively glacial now. "And when will this be?"

"I need to get her to accept it first," he replied calmly. "She's made threats about selling stuff to the papers."

That surprised Anna even as she realized that this explained his behavior.

What stuff?" she asked, and she had a sudden, terrible feeling of what the stuff could be. Her anger was rapidly cooling off.

"Don't worry, they won't offer what I will." Naturally, he didn't answer her question. That certainly hadn't changed in the time he'd been gone. He didn't let her dwell on that, though. "You've changed your hair," he said, blatantly changing the subject.

She didn't like being angry with him, so with a sigh she let the disagreeable topic drop and said, "I was trying out Lady Mary's new curling iron." He just keep gazing at her so she gave him a small shrug and smile and added, "What do you think?"

She found herself slightly nervous about what his opinion would be. Sure, she had told Ethel she was practicing because Lady Mary had told her too, but she had done it for him, for that look she saw now as his eyes softened and his smile grew.

"I think I would love you however, whatever, whenever."

His statement caught her by surprise. Did he realize what he just said? That he had finally said out loud that he loved her? Even if she'd known it for years, to hear him say it and that he said it without a thought, meant more than she would have imagined.

"We don't have to wait, you know," she said, with every ounce of sincerity she had. "If you want me to throw up everything and come with you, I will. Gladly."

She doubted he realized how much she meant it. He was worth more to her than anything she had. She would gladly give up her job, her life, her reputation, her family, her future, anything, everything, to be with him. She'd meant it every bit as much the last time she had said it, but they had both been upset, so here, in cold blood, she repeated it.

He didn't understand. "I can't marry you yet, not legally," he answered. "And I won't break the law."

She spelled it out for him. "It's not against the law to take a mistress, Mr. Bates." He just looked at her, which made her nervous. He always took her bolder declarations with admirable stoicism. Or, it would be admirable if she didn't say these things wanting some sort of response from him. She reached out and put her hand in his to emphasize her point.

She still couldn't tell what he was thinking as he looked at her a moment longer. Then he said, "I know you Anna Smith, and I love you, and that is not the right path for you." Tears welled up in her eyes at his declaration. "It won't be long now," he finished.

She so desperately wanted to believe that. She gave him a tremulous smile and nodded in agreement.

Bates heard the door chime but didn't look around as he finished pouring the drink. He turned to hand it over saying "One and eight, altogether," and as he said it, he noticed who had walked in. He was caught between horror and elation.

"Might I have a cider, please," Anna said, as he dealt with the money.

His heart was thumping madly and his mind whirled. She was here. How had she found him? Why was she here? She looked beautiful. Was she angry with him? Or more probably, how angry was she with him?

As the customer moved off, she stepped up to the counter. She didn't look happy. And he would freely admit she had every right to be angry with him. He had left her with a truly miserable excuse and had disappeared, for months now. He had told her to forget about him and move on with her life, and on some level he meant it, but his treacherous heart really hoped she hadn't, refused to believe that she would. The fact she had hunted him down was good right? She wouldn't have done that just to dump him, would she?

"I don't know if I've dreaded this moment or longed for it," he said with more honesty than sense. Anna didn't seem to mind. She was a forthright person, after all. As exemplified by her baffling appearance here. He had told himself it wouldn't be right for him to seek her out and get her hopes up before everything was settled with Vera. In her presence, he wasn't sure if that was the best choice. How had she found him?

"Well, either way, it's happened," she said woodenly. Oh yes, she was mad at him. He had never heard that tone of her voice directed at him and he didn't like it at all. He had that familiar cornered feeling, knowing he couldn't explain his actions, desperately wanting to avoid consequences mostly not of his making, and feeling those consequences barreling towards him. He stepped back and signaled to his boss that he needed to take a break, then poured her cider and ushered her over to a table.

They sat looking at each other, unsure where to begin, as Anna sipped at her drink. Bates was happy to just look at her. Just being this close to her he felt the fist that had been clenched around his heart for months ease. Finally, he broke the silence. "How'd you find me?"

Anna looked up from her drink. "I thought I saw you in village," she explained, "and then Lady Mary found you were working here, through Sir Richard. So I came here."

"It was me," he confirmed. "I knew you used to go to the village on a Wednesday," he felt his voice want to crack as his heart lurched in remembered agony, "and I so longed for a glimpse of you."

"But why are you up here at all," she asked coldly, "and why didn't you tell me?"

He hoped that the second part of the question was what was really bothering her. "'Cause I wanted to get things settled first. You see, I've discovered Vera has been unfaithful to me. And I've got proof."

"We can't criticize her for that," she said, looking away.

Anna seemed to be missing his point. "No, but it does mean I can divorce her," he pointed out. "I had to leave the house to prove that it has broken the marriage. So I came up here to be nearer you."

Anna wasn't mollified yet. "But what if she fights it?"

He could understand why she would be concerned about that. Last time he had brought divorce up, Vera had abruptly forced him to leave, crushing their dreams. Which was exactly why he hadn't gone and found Anna the minute he got back north. He didn't want to put her through that again.

"She can't," he said absolutely She just looked at him steadily while he summarized British divorce law for her.

"That's not very fair to women," she said, looking away again.

Bates was annoyed that that was what she seemed concerned about. They weren't here to discuss the pros and cons of the justice system. "I don't care about fairness, I care about _you_," he said with some force.

That got her attention. He continued, "The point is, I can get rid of her. If she goes quietly I will give her money and plenty of it. If not, she goes away empty-handed." He knew Vera would take him for every penny she thought she could get, but he considered any cost to be worth the prize of getting her out of his life.

Anna's face hardened as she coldly asked, "And when will this be?"

He understood her anger. He had told her this once before also, and what had followed was heartbreak. That's what he got for telling her before everything was settled, or even begun, but at the time he'd been so full of hope and happiness that he couldn't keep it from her.

"I need to get her to accept it first. She's made threats about selling stuff to the papers." For the first time in their conversation he saw Anna relenting. She might forgive him yet.

"What stuff?" she asked. He could see her mind working at what it could be.

Over the preceding months, Bates had been forced to accept that the gossip might be based in fact, and Vera had said that Anna was involved. He wondered what exactly her part in it could be. She had never betrayed any knowledge, much less involvement; not with the flicker of an eyelid, not a moment's hesitation in speech. Still, he couldn't answer her question, so instead he said, "Don't worry, they won't offer what I will."

He didn't want to get into any further discussion of it, so before she responded, he changed the subject. "You've changed your hair."

She accepted his change of conversation with a sigh and a self-conscious smile. "I was trying out Lady Mary's new curling iron," she said. He just keep looking at her, enjoying the freedom to do it, which seemed to make her a little nervous. "What do you think?" she asked with a little self-depreciating laugh.

He smiled. He was completely besotted by her and while he liked her hair, it was entirely beside the point. "I think I would love you however, whatever, whenever," he said with all the sincerity of his heart.

Her response took a second and surprised him. "We don't have to wait, you know," she said emphatically, "If you want me to throw up everything and come with you, I will. Gladly."

She'd said something like that before and he couldn't believe she meant what he thought she was saying, then or now. He didn't doubt she loved him more than he deserved, more than was reasonable, but she just couldn't mean it.

"I can't marry you yet, not legally," he answered, "And I won't break the law."

"It's not against the law to take a mistress, Mr. Bates," she said, not quite impudently.

Alright, she did mean it. She was placing herself, her future, her honor in his hands. She was willing to utterly destroy her reputation for him. He was completely undeserving of this woman's love and loyalty and faith. It was too great a gift for him and he staggered under the weight of it. As he sat there silently stunned, she put her hand in his. His hands clasped hers automatically.

He absolutely would not let her ruin herself for him, no matter how appealing the idea seemed on the surface. "I know you Anna Smith, and I love you, and that is not the right path for you."

"It won't be long now." He desperately wanted to believe that.

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><p>AN: _I'm fairly convinced that Carson and Hughes never told Anna about the overheard conversation. And I really believe that Bates had never said the L word before. He's kinda old fashioned that way. Plus, there's no way they wouldn't have shown us it._


	4. s01e01

Back to series 1, episode 1...

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><p>Bates was crushed as he left Lord Grantham's room. He had put all his hopes in this job. It was his last hope, actually, and he had thought it was going well enough. Thomas was clearly out to get him—no doubt he had been hoping for the job—and O'Brien was clearly his fellow henchman, Mr. Carson seemed ambivalent, but his other coworkers seemed to have warmed to him. The maids and hall boys didn't snicker when he limped by, or if they did, they were polite enough that they did it out of his hearing. He considered that something of a victory. Mrs. Hughes and Mrs. Patmore accepted him now, William was helpful, Gwen was friendly, if still slightly intimidated by him, and Anna was, well, whatever she was. His partisan, perhaps. He didn't know what to do with her. She was a lovely person and a better friend than he ever expected to find here. None of that mattered now though. He was leaving. Lord Grantham had been gracious just giving him a chance, but even his lordship had to make prudent choices sometimes, regardless of his personal feelings. So, here he was without a job, incapable of getting a job, nowhere to go, no money and utterly without hope.<p>

He made his way down to Mr. Carson's office. As he entered, Mr. Carson looked up from his bookkeeping, "I understand you will be leaving us, Mr. Bates."

"Yes," Bates said simply.

"Very well," Carson said heavily, after a moment's pause, "I wish you luck in your future endeavors." He picked up his pen to return to his books, dismissing Bates.

Mr. Bates gave a small sigh as he looked down at his bad leg. "If you don't mind Mr. Carson, I'll not be down for dinner, I'm not feeling well."

Carson nodded in understanding. "Very well," he said again.

Mr. Bates turned and left. He climbed slowly up to his room. Thomas and O'Brien had won. The world had won. Its vendetta against him had reached its zenith. He had nowhere left to go, he was unemployed and unemployable. He had no home, no job, no family, no friends. His despair was made that much worse because he'd allowed himself to hope over the last couple weeks that he might find those things at Downton.

When he got to his room, he pulled out his valise and began packing. He didn't want to think about his life, so he concentrated all his mental energy on placing his things in his bag. When that was finished he sat on his bed. He had no idea how long he sat there heedless and unmoving, but some time later he snapped out of his semi-conscious state. Self-pity and hopelessness overwhelmed him and he found himself crying, sobbing even. He stifled the sound, but the tears wouldn't stop.

He was appalled when he heard Anna calling him from the hallway. What was she doing in the men's corridor? Everyone should be down eating by now. He looked up quickly and wiped his eyes. It would be impossible to hide that he had been crying, but it hardly mattered what she thought of him now.

He levered himself up off the bed and went over to the partially opened door. He didn't remember leaving it open, but then, in his misery, he hadn't been paying attention to anything. Anna was there with a tray of food, looking concerned and a little upset.

He knew he was an emotional wreck at that moment, but he was deeply moved by the tray and what it represented. Caring. It said something about his life that he was surprised that anyone cared enough to bring him dinner when they should be eating their own, but he hadn't had anyone care about him in a very long time.

"I brought something up," she said as he opened the door, "in case you were hungry."

Actually, the crying had made him sick to his stomach and right now the thought of eating made him nauseous, but that was beside the point. Anna looked like she was worried he might reject her offering and there was no way he would hurt her like that.

"That's very kind," he said as he took the tray, setting it on the side-table.

He was heartily embarrassed by the entire situation. He gave the door a glance, thinking maybe he could politely close it and get out of this embarrassing situation as quickly as possible, but Anna hadn't moved off and he couldn't just shut her out.

"I'm ever so sorry you're going," she said surprisingly earnestly. Bates believed her. Anna was a kind person and she had been his only friend so far. If anyone in this house would miss him, it would be her.

"I'll be alright," he lied. He had to look down as he said it, though. He wasn't quite a good enough liar to do it looking her in the eye.

Anna played along and gave him a smile.

"Of course you will—" she agreed. She had exhibited this strange confidence in him since practically the hour they met. He liked it, even as it disconcerted him. His getting fired hadn't seemed to dampen it. "—there's always a place for a man like you."

Awkward. This whole conversation was damned awkward. Yes, men like him did have a place; at his majesty's pleasure. Not in a fine house working for an earl with a good-natured girl wanting to be his friend.

"Oh yes," he said ironically, "something will turn up." Again he couldn't meet her eye as he mouthed the right words, but Anna didn't deserve him dragging her down into his misery, so he stuck with the lies. And indeed, he was sure something would turn up, but he doubted it would be anything good. His life didn't seem to run towards good things happening.

It's not that Bates didn't appreciate that she cared enough to check up on him, but right now it felt like he was being dragged backwards through a thresher. He'd think it might be better if no one cared about him at all except that he'd spent quite a bit of time like that and, for all his current embarrassment, this was preferable.

He watched as she made some sort of internal decision and said, "Tell us, when you're fixed. Just...drop us a line. Else I'll worry." Again with the caring. He didn't doubt her sincerity, but he could not understand why she was so kind to him. He appreciated it all the same.

"Well, we can't have that," he said. That wasn't a lie. He could tell because he looked her straight in the eye when he said it. He didn't want to hurt Anna in any way. Perhaps he would even write to her. It would be nice to have one person on earth—besides his mother—that cared if he lived or died. He felt like he was on the verge of saying something stupid so he gave her a ragged bit of a smile as he reached over and closed the door.


	5. s01e01 missing scene

A/N: _A missing scene from S01E01..._

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><p>Anna was climbing the stairs when she thought she heard the clicking of his cane on the flagstones of the servant's hall. Her heart skipped a beat. Mr. Bates had left that morning. At least that was what everyone had thought. Unsurprisingly, he hadn't been down at breakfast, but the gossip had him riding along with Duke Crowborough to the train and the Duke left before the ladies were finished dressing. Mr. Bates had to be gone by now. She must have misheard. Wishful thinking transformed some innocuous kitchen noise into what she wanted to hear.<p>

She was needed upstairs so she couldn't run back down and find out what was happening. It was a frustrating morning for her. Problems requiring her personal attention cropped up all morning so she couldn't find ten minutes to run downstairs. Anna began to wonder if the maids were doing it on purpose. And much to her annoyance she never ran across Thomas. Usually it was his presence that annoyed her, but today, when she had questions for him, he was nowhere to be found. She found herself having to concentrate on not being cross with Gwen or the other girls as they interrupted her thoughts. She spent the morning alternating between hope that, by some miracle, it was Mr. Bates and ruthlessly suppressing that hope, lest she be that much more disappointed when she got a minute to investigate and found out he was really gone.

She had only known Mr. Bates a few weeks, but she liked him. She surprised herself at how much she liked him. She'd read somewhere that the Hindus believed that there were soul mates that you kept meeting life after life and you knew them when you met them. She didn't hold with their religion, but she thought they might be on to something with that idea. If there was such a thing, Mr. Bates was a soul mate and she felt a distinct place in her soul where he should be. She hadn't recognized the hole until it was filled, but having felt his presence she noticed the absence keenly.

It was all but lunchtime before she was able to get downstairs. As she hurried into the servant's hall, Mr. Bates was sitting there alone at the table, in his usual seat. She didn't even try to stop the smile that spread across her face. He looked up from his book and smiled in return as she came to sit down next to him.

"Hard at work, I see," she teased.

He gave her a quick grin.

"What happened?" she asked quietly.

He shrugged. "Lord Grantham changed his mind."

Her smile grew, if that were possible. "I'm glad," was what she said, though it was a gross oversimplification of her tangled feelings.


	6. s01e07

_A/N: from the end of series 1, episode 7. Thanks for all the comments & etc., I really appreciate them._

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><p>"By the way, Anna's told me what she learned in London," Lord Grantham said, changing the subject.<p>

"Has she?" Bates remained impassive, but he was completely lost at this turn in the conversation. He had no idea what his lordship could be referring to. "She's not told me," he said as he allowed a bit of his confusion to show.

"Oh," Lord Grantham said. His eyebrows shot up, clearly surprised Bates didn't know. "Well, the good news is that you won't be leaving Downton... and I need some good news today."

A flicker of an eyelid and a small grimace was all the reaction Bates showed. In his consternation, he couldn't begin to frame an appropriate response so he turned and left without a word. Besides, his mind was no longer focused on Lord Grantham's tragedy. He was pretty sure he had one of his own brewing.

What had Anna done? Who had she talked to? What had she learned? He was frightened and angry and felt betrayed. She had no respect for his secrets. He tried to keep them from her, not wanting them to hurt her, but she pushed and pushed. He had long ago stopped wondering why he was cursed with such a miserable life, he accepted it and bore with it. Now he only wished to protect the one bright spot in his life, but she wouldn't let him. If she insisted on wandering through his life ripping back curtains, he could only hope that she didn't get too large a shock at what was hidden back there.

If he wasn't losing his job then Lord Grantham no longer thought he was the silver thief, which meant that Vera was discussed at some level and any level was too much discussion about her, as far as he was concerned. And who knew how much more of his sordid past Anna had dug up while she was clearing his name. He felt sick to his stomach thinking about it.

He needed to talk to her. To find out what she had learned. To see if he could repair the damage without compromising his honor. As he slowly descended the stairs, his rational mind caught up with his emotions and began to exert some reason on his whirling feelings. Maybe he shouldn't confront Anna about it. She hadn't been treating him any differently since she got back. Until Lord Grantham had mentioned it, he had no idea anything had happened. She smiled at him readily enough when she came into the hall and took her usual seat next to him. Their conversations had seemed perfectly natural. Anna was forthright enough that if something bothered her it wouldn't be too long until she confronted the problem. Maybe he should just let the sleeping dog lie. It's not like he could defend himself anyway. If Anna wanted to talk about it, she could bring it up.

His anger at her lack of respect for his private life dissipated quickly. Anna was optimistic and loyal to her friends, to a fault perhaps, and she was just being true to herself when she went rummaging through his past. And she _had_ saved his job. Despite his misgivings, she seemed to be able to look beyond his sordid past to the man she knew now. He didn't know how she did it, but he envied her that.

Two days later he got a letter from his mother, telling him her side of the story; what Anna has asked about, what she had told Anna and what she thought of Anna. His mother had never liked his assumption of Vera's guilt and his unwillingness to ever defend himself had always rankled her Irish soul. She was glad to have had someone to tell the truth to. The letter just confirmed to Bates that he was right to quietly accept the situation.

Bates was sure that Anna must know that he knew about her visit with his mother, but he didn't bring it up and Anna seemed equally determined to avoid the topic, until the garden party.

They were talking about the weather when Anna's sudden seriousness surprised him. "Mr. Bates," she began tentatively as she searched out the right words, "I know you think I was wrong to call on your mother—"

"I don't think that," he interrupted, before she could get to the apology, if she were actually going to apologize. What was done was done and there was no point in wallowing through it all. It was a lovely day and she looked lovely, as ever. He didn't want to spoil it.

"She likes you, by the way," he added. His mother had actually been quite warm on the subject. She had made it clear she thought Anna was a good match for him. She also showed a surprising lack of concern for the large stumbling block Vera presented.

Anna gave a hint of smile, acknowledging the compliment. "I had to find out the truth," she said, finishing the explanation he had interrupted. He knew it annoyed her that he wouldn't tell her his secrets. She'd tried to get them out of him often enough.

"But you see," he pointed out, " you don't know the whole truth, not even now. You know my mother's truth."

"But not your wife's," Anna interjected. Bates grimaced, but didn't answer. As much as it clearly pained Anna to talk about his wife, he felt so much worse about it. Just the mention of Vera from Anna made his insides roil as so many conflicting emotions welled up.

He could be philosophical about being married, but he couldn't distance himself emotionally from Vera. In general, he avoided thinking about her, and succeeded most of the time. He'd managed to go weeks on end without her, as such, crossing his mind. He couldn't forget he was married when constantly faced with reasons he wished he wasn't, he just ignored Vera's part in it—until Anna had her little adventure. Now to have Vera talked about openly, and by Anna, he hated it. Hated Vera, hated that he was still married, hated that Anna knew, hated that it hurt Anna.

"Where is she now?" Anna asked.

"I couldn't tell you," he answered, watching Anna carefully. She just looked at him, weighing his answer. Given his previous non-answers to her questions, he couldn't blame her for whatever she might think of him. He wondered if this was what would finally drive her away from him. But whatever she was thinking, she didn't share it with him.

"I better get back," was all she said as she turned away.

In that moment, with Anna walking away sad and disappointed, his nebulous thoughts on their future solidified. Anna knew the worst, there was no reason for him to hang back anymore. He would find Vera and regardless of how long it took, or what it cost, he would get a divorce, somehow. He would marry Anna. They would live happily ever after.

He was musing on the happily ever after when Molesley walked up, startling him out of his reverie.

"Nice girl, that Anna," Molesley said, nodding toward Anna's retreating back and Bates smiled in agreement. "Do you know if she's got anyone special in her life?"

"I'd like to say she hasn't, I would truly," Bates said, torn as ever despite his new resolutions, "but I'm afraid there is someone, yeah."

Molesley was persistent. "Do you think he's keen on her or is it worth a go?"

Bates was amused at his situation as he warned Molesley off. "Well," he said nonchalantly, "He keeps himself to himself... he's very hard to read at times, but I'd say he's keen. I'd say he's very keen indeed." He enjoyed being able to declare his feelings for once.

Bates felt a tug of relief as Molesley gave a frown and moved off.


	7. s01e07 in the hallway

A/N: This has always (you know, always, for the whole year it has existed) been one of my favorites of their scenes, it sums up their series 1 relationship perfectly, IMHO...

* * *

><p>"Sorry, I don't believe it," Anna said as they stood in the hallway, stealing a moment to talk about his latest conversation with Lord Grantham.<p>

"How can you say that," he answered, "when I've confessed to the crime?" Bates wasn't sure that it was the smartest thing in the world to be annoyed that Anna refused to believe the worst of him, especially since she was right, but perversely, her unrelenting faith in him did annoy him. He knew he didn't deserve her loyalty and he shouldn't encourage it, yet a significant part of him reveled in it and that made him angry with himself. He shouldn't allow it. He tried, sometimes, to curb it in her, but he wasn't morally strong enough to completely push her out of his life. If that was even possible, Anna being the person that she was.

Anna appealed to authority. "Well, his lordship obviously doesn't think that's all there is to it, and I don't either." That was another thing that bothered him. Lord Grantham seemed to have something of the same problem as Anna. Bates was bewildered by their unwillingness to just dismiss him as unworthy of their good opinion and kick him out.

It was probably a good thing that Mrs. Hughes interruption lightened the mood and changed the subject to Anna's trip to London. As Mrs. Hughes moved off, he stepped back across the hall to resume their conversation. Neither of them said anything for a second.

Anna broke the silence. "Will you miss me?"

He couldn't help but smile at her ingenuousness. Once again she was trying to get him to admit his feelings aloud. Of course he would miss her. The days seemed interminable whenever she wasn't around as his subconscious anticipation of seeing her was constantly disappointed, but he didn't dare encourage her. It was only a matter of time before Lord Grantham dismissed him.

"Try not to miss me," he said. "It'll be good practice." Her look in reply rebuked his pessimism, and showed that the thought hurt her, but she didn't say anything. Perhaps she recognized that it was pointless trying to cheer him up. He turned to get back to the work he should be doing, while he still had a job.


	8. s02e02 missing scene

_A/N: Series 2 SPOILERS. A missing scene from s02e02, which suffered from a shocking lack of Mr. Bates_

* * *

><p>Bates gave a sigh, pushed himself up out of his chair and headed upstairs. Vera's sarcastic "goodnight, dear," trailed up after him. The rhythmic tapping of his stick on the stairs was interrupted as he paused momentarily, closing his eyes and clenching his fist tightly around the stick as he willed himself not to react, and then continued on his way. He slammed his bedroom door and sat down on his bed with a great sigh, wondering how much more he could take.<p>

As happened every night, he turned his thoughts to Anna; wondering what she was doing, mentally telling her how sorry he was that he had left her, how much he missed her and everything that had gone wrong that day. Tonight was one of the nights that silent tears rolled down his face. Eventually he gave a tremulous sigh, pulled himself together, and tried to sleep.

* * *

><p><em>Surely instead of a couple of mentions "where are you, Mr. Bates" they could have given us a brief scene of the happy home life. Would it have killed them?<em>


	9. s01e05  Edith's room

_A/N: s01e05 The little talk in Edith's room. I'm not entirely happy with this, but I've fiddled with it too long as it is. Enjoy!_

* * *

><p>Anna hadn't crossed his path at the normal time this morning, so Bates casually went looking for her. Despite the time they spent together in the servant's hall, he greedily wanted more, even if it was just a smile in passing in the hallway. His investigations uncovered that Gwen had gone to bed sick, so when he saw the door to Lady Edith's room standing open, he knew he'd found her.<p>

"Shall I give you a hand?" he asked as he peered around the door into Lady Edith's room.

"Oh, would you," Anna replied with a smile and some relief. "It takes half the time with two."

Bates looked around the room as they made up the bed. He seldom went into any of the bedrooms, other than Lord Grantham's. He supposed the room reflected Lady Edith's personality well enough. Nice enough, but a bit bland.

"I always feel a bit sorry for Lady Edith," he said as they tucked in the blanket, by way of making conversation. What little he knew about Lady Edith was from the servant's gossip, but he knew she was the odd one out in her family and that she always played second fiddle to Lady Mary. That couldn't be comfortable position to be in, no matter how rich or noble she was.

Me too," Anna agreed with a smile, " though I don't know why, when you think what she's got and we haven't."

Because you're an kind person with a soft spot for the underdog, thought Mr. Bates.

"Mrs. Hughes said that she was after the other heir, Mr. Patrick Crawley, the one that drowned,' he said.

"That was different," Anna explained, "she was in love with him."

This was news to Bates. "What happened?" he asked.

"She never got a looking, he was always set up to marry Lady Mary."

"Then he's a braver man than I am, Gunga Din," he said lightly, though he meant it whole-heartedly. Whoever married Lady Mary was in for a wild ride and these days Bates dreamed of nothing more than a pleasant, quiet life. Oh, how he condemned his younger self for heedlessly throwing that option away.

Anna smiled at his quip.

"Sad to think about," Bates said as they finished smoothing the wrinkles out of the cover.

"It's always sad when you love someone who doesn't love you back." Anna paused and looked at him pointedly. "No matter who you are."

Bates had been retrieving his cane but his eyes widened and snapped to her face as he realized what she was insinuating. What happened to the good-natured gossip they were sharing?

He wasn't blind or stupid and Anna was either very bad at or never tried too hard to be subtle, he knew exactly what she was saying. But he continued on with his original thought as he tried to decide what to do about Anna's sudden change of topic. "No, I mean, it's sad that he died."

Anna couldn't hide her embarrassment at her misunderstanding. "Oh," she said uncomfortably, "Yes. Very sad. He was nice."

She gathered her things as Bates tried to decide what to do about the conversation they weren't having. In his weakness he allowed himself to fall in love, despite knowing there was no future in it. He knew he sent Anna ambiguous signals depending on how guilty he was feeling about it at the moment. He was sorry that he had put her in this position at all and that he couldn't explain. There were so many things he couldn't tell her. Some things he wanted to tell her, like how he felt about her, and some that he hoped she never found out. He couldn't tell her the one without telling her the other which meant she couldn't know either, which wasn't fair to her.

"Well, thank you for that. Much appreciated." she said, as she walked toward the door, still slightly embarrassed.

"My pleasure," he replied politely. He paused. This was an opportunity for him. His situation would never allow him to openly say what he wanted to. Maybe this hypothetical conversation about Patrick and Edith was the only way he could ever tell Anna how he felt, and why he acted the way he did toward her.

Anna was all but out of the room when he finally reached a decision. He _did_ love her and he would tell her. He spoke suddenly, before he could change his mind. "Perhaps, Mr. Patrick did love her back, he just couldn't say."

Anna froze as she considered his confession. Finally she asked, "Whyever not?"

A legitimate question, but one he couldn't answer with any precision. He stuck to vague generalities. "Sometimes we're not at liberty to speak. Sometimes it wouldn't be right." He didn't dare make it any plainer than that. He'd probably said too much already.

As Anna stood there speechless he turned and left, before she could ask something he couldn't answer.


	10. s01e05 on the road

_A/N: from s01e05, their little talk on the road._

* * *

><p>"I wish you'd just come out with it," Anna said, so exasperated with him that she stopped in the middle of the lane to demand an explanation.<p>

"With what?" he asked. Bates was confused. Anna had taken a leap in the conversation that he didn't follow. Why was she so frustrated with him? Clearly she wasn't still talking about Mrs. Patmore. He thought about what he'd just said. "...nothing is harder to live with than false hope." Oh no. He had unconsciously been feeling sorry for himself. It was one of his bigger failings these days. His sense of honor reminded him constantly that his relationship with Anna had gone too far already and that he could not allow it to continue. There was nowhere it could go and there was no point in hoping for a happy ending. He just wasn't good at being stoic, despite having a lot to practice being stoic about. Anna knew him well enough to recognize when he was wallowing in self-pity, if not why.

"Whatever it is you're keepin' secret," she said, still aggravated with his obtuseness. Whatever it is keeping us apart, she plainly meant.

Bates winced inwardly. Secrets. Instinctively, he checked to see who was listening. No one's life was their own in the Crawley house. Someone was always watching, always listening, always gossiping. And he had secrets he had to keep. Many secrets. Anna couldn't know. No one could know. If Thomas or Ms. O'Brien or Carson found out he would lose his position and end up homeless and unemployable. But if Anna found out— He couldn't bear the thought of her pulling away from him. Of losing her friendship. Of her thinking less of him. Anna had once told him that her opinion wouldn't change no matter what she found out about him. Bates knew that couldn't be true and desperately did not want to put her to the test.

"I can't," he said sadly. Anna's face fell as he wouldn't answer even her direct appeal.

"You don't deny it then?" she asked.

Well, if she was brave enough to bring it up, he it was only fair that he be honest with her. Their relationship had been growing for quite some time and he _had _been toying with their feelings. He and Anna couldn't be more than friends. He had tried so hard to keep it there. Just being her friend was more than he had a right to expect, really. He knew long ago he should have backed away, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. It was a moral failing on his part that he hadn't, but he couldn't cut himself off from her unshakable kindness and loyalty. Now he was stuck. He couldn't move forward with her and he didn't want to go back to a life without her. He never should have let their relationship get this far, but he wasn't going to lie to her, or himself, and pretend that it hadn't. She did have a right to demand that he explain himself. Which didn't mean he had an answer for her.

"No, I don't deny it. And I don't deny you have a right to ask. But I can't." He paused, then tried to explain. "I'm not a free man."

She hesitated to state her obvious conclusion aloud. "Are you trying to tell me that you're married?" she asked.

He worded his answer carefully, knowing he shouldn't be so evasive about it, but unable to stop himself. "I have been married, yes, but that's not all of it." He would count himself lucky if that was the only thing keeping him from her.

"Because—," Anna started. Bates had no idea where she was going with this conversation now. Or why they were having it right then. Or how to deal with the aftermath. He watched as she struggled with what she wanted to say, then gathered herself up, and plunged ahead. "Because I love you, Mr. Bates."

What? Of all the things she might have said, that was not anywhere near what he was expecting. Years of hiding what he was thinking in the military, in prison and then in service served him well as he kept his face composed, despite his shock. Any hint of encouragement on his part, inadvertent or not, would be cruel.

"I know it's not lady-like to say it. But I'm not a lady and I don't pretend to be," she finished, almost defiantly. That defiance was undermined as she sighed and slumped her shoulders as she finished.

Bates berated himself for putting her in the position where she had to say these things. It should be him down on one knee, confessing his love to her, yet he had to stand there, mute, while both their hearts broke. He hardened his heart against blurting out everything he wanted to tell her and tried to find something appropriate to say.

"You are a lady to me, and I never knew a finer one," he replied as kindly as he could.

Bates could tell that wasn't what she wanted to hear and it certainly wasn't what he wanted to say, but it was the best he could do. It would have been wrong for him to say more and those feeble sentiments were as close as he could approach to his true feelings. There was no way this could go on. He had let this go too far. She had to let go of him. He had no idea how to get her to do that without breaking both their hearts though. He was almost relieved when the hay cart rolled up and interrupted them.

As they parted he tried to gently push her away. "I mustn't slow you down. I've done too much of that already." He gave her a hint of a smile, trying to get her to accept the truth of his words. She would be better off without him. She gave him a look that eloquently explained she understood his meaning and that the presence of the farmer was all that kept him from hearing how wrong she thought he was. He hopped up into the cart and, frustrated by the interruption and the presence of others, said nothing as he rode off.


	11. s02e06 AU

_A/N: Two in one week? I know! What can I say, I was inspired. From s02e06. AU, I hope.  
><em>

* * *

><p>The thought first occurred to him as he stood there staring at Lord Grantham's back while Lord Grantham lectured him about keeping his temper. He could do it. As he'd said it, he hadn't really meant it. People are always wishing other people dead when they're angry, but suddenly he realized he meant it. And he could do it.<p>

He could kill her.

He smoothed Lord Grantham's jacket across the shoulders absently as his mind swam in this new paradigm. Others might not think him capable, but he knew with absolute certainty that he could do it. With very little remorse, too. He had been a soldier, he had killed people before. And he didn't hate those faceless uniforms, he had done it out of duty. But he hated Vera.

He could kill her.

The Gordian knot would be cut. He would be free of the insidious woman. He and Anna could live their lives together in peace.

As he walked downstairs, he was mildly surprised by his lack of guilt over the idea. He thought he had become a better man than this. He shrugged mentally. Anna might think him a good man, and in truth he had reformed a great deal, but clearly he still had a ways to go.

He knew just how to do it and get away with it, too. Poison was a woman's tool. The police might briefly suspect him, because of his previous conviction, but it was unlikely he would be prosecuted. Anna would never suspect. Anna could never suspect. He almost missed a step as the thought of a look of disappointment in her eyes brought him up short. He couldn't bear that. He continued down the stairs. She wouldn't believe it of him. He could probably commit the murder in front of her and she would stand by him. All the same, his mind slithered away from the thought. He was not willing to put that to a test. Losing Anna was not to be thought of. Gaining Anna by killing Vera, though, that deserved some thought.

* * *

><p><em>AN: I don't actually think Bates did it, it just niggles at the back of my mind that he could have done it. I think we underestimate him. And does he ever explicitly deny doing it? Of course not.  
><em>


	12. s01e05 aftermath

Thanks to the ride in the hay cart, Bates arrived ahead of the rest of the servants. He took an obligatory stroll through the tables and then found a place against the wall to watch the ebb and flow of people around the colorful displays. The beauty of the flowers and vegetables did nothing to distract him from the thoughts his mind had been circling around during the ride: Anna loved him, he couldn't tell her how much he loved her, and all the things he could say that would chase her away.

He had no idea what would happen to their relationship now. Their conversation had been cut off before he could— what? There was nothing he could say. There was no way that conversation could have ended well. But there had been no resolution at all and he didn't know how she felt now. Would she be mad at him because he hadn't reciprocated her declaration? She should be. Was their friendship ruined? He hoped not. Should he pretend it never happened? He didn't want to do that, exactly. Of course, what he wanted to do and what he should do and what he would do were all very different things.

Anna had caught up with the others and came in with the group. Bates watched as her eyes swept the room and hesitated minutely when she saw him standing against the wall. Instead of coming over to talk to him, she wandered through the tables, chatting with William. Bates wanted to be hurt by the snub, but knew he deserved far worse.

As everyone gathered around the stage for the awards ceremony, Bates moved slowly so he could get a spot on the outside of the crowd, the others lining up to his left. Anna ended up standing between him and William, but half a step back. It spoke volumes to him that she didn't step up next to him like she normally would have. She didn't know where she stood with him. Which was fair enough, he wasn't sure where he stood with her now. Since he didn't know what to do, he kept his eyes politely on the Dowager Countess as she read out the winners.

Bates was reaching for the cane he had hooked on his arm when some instinct caused him to look back at Anna. She was watching him, and as he turned she looked up and held his gaze for a moment.

He wanted her to be okay, for them to be okay. It was a lot to communicate with a look. She gave him something of a nod in return though. In it was a mix of embarrassment, pain and a desire to reassure him, as if to say that she would be okay, even if she wasn't right now. He tried to give her an encouraging smile, but his face didn't quite obey. He turned and looked forward again.

She would forgive him. He didn't understand what she saw in him that she would love him like she did. He had never met anyone that loved as wholly as Anna did, and certainly it had never been directed toward him. But he wondered if even her tenacity would wither in the face of everything that needed to be said between them. For now though, they would be okay.


	13. s02e07

_A/N: Happy Series 3 premiere! This is from s02e07 as things start heading from bad toward worse. Again._

* * *

><p>As Bates read the letter his lawyer had forwarded his heart sank. Vera's low cunning and whole-hearted commitment to ruining his life was impressive in a horrible way. She was unbelievable; to organize her own suicide in such a way as to frame him for murder. Who thought like that? He could admit he was a terrible husband to her and he hated her, but he couldn't fathom what drove Vera to go this far. To kill yourself over a grudge, surely that was insanity.<p>

At an earlier time in his life he would have gone out, gotten blind drunk, and found a fight where he could take out his anger on some fellow idiot's face. Instead, he sighed and shoved the letter into his coat pocket. He had to find and tell Anna. Not for the first time, he was mildly surprised at how natural it was for him to share things with her. He had been alone for a long time; prison, the army, even while he was married to Vera, he didn't dare share his feelings or troubles with anyone. He had gotten used to the solitude. Now though, he found that he wanted to tell Anna everything. Her unwavering trust in him had crumbled the walls he had built up over time. He found he didn't mind.

But would he never have good news to share? Did everything he touch have to turn to ashes? Would nothing ever go well for him? He had his money back and he and Anna were so close to getting married, but even in death Vera had managed to ruin his prospects. Given his luck, it was only a matter of time until he was arrested _again_ for something Vera had done. Damn her! He had often thought he wanted to kill her, and now he was denied even that fantasy.

He couldn't marry Anna now, not with this hanging over his head. He could end up on trial for murder and he wouldn't drag Anna down with him, that would be wrong. He was tired, so tired of the endless obstacles between him and Anna. Anna deserved so much better. She would be angry with him about postponing their wedding, and would try to talk him out of it. But then, she had surprisingly liberal views on her reputation when it came to their relationship. It was up to him to keep her from doing anything stupid.

When he finally found Anna in a hallway, she was rushed and impatient, busy preparing for dinner. He pulled out the letter and held his breath while she read it aloud.

"...but I'm afraid for my life," Anna finished. Bates looked away, irritated at Vera's melodramatic take on things.

"What did you write to her?" Anna asked, perplexed.

They both stirred uncomfortably as they waited for a hall boy to pass by. When they were alone again he said, "I said I was coming that evening and that I meant to have it out with her. Now, I may have said she was being unreasonable, but so she was." He sounded a little defensive, even to himself.

"Will it change anything?"

Bates' frustration flared. Of course it would change everything. Couldn't she see what was coming? "Well, think about it," he said with asperity, "Before Vera's death she had taken all my money and she had wrecked the divorce. Now as her widow I inherit everything and we can marry whenever we like."

Mrs. Hudson interrupted them before Anna could answer him, but her consternation was plain as she turned to go serve dinner. She handed the letter back and he stared at the horrible item trying not to think of the utter destruction of his hopes it probably represented. His eyes followed Anna as she went upstairs.

"You look as though you've got the cares of the world on your shoulders," Mrs. Hughes said to him kindly.

"Not the whole world, Mrs. Hughes," he replied, giving her a bit of a wry smile. His eyes flicked back to the spot where Anna had disappeared. "But quite enough of it."

Bates was by nature an optimistic person, but life had kicked him in the face often enough he felt he should know better than to have hope. Anna radiated so much hope, though, that he couldn't help but feel some himself. Despite the constant evidence to the contrary, he wanted so much to believe things would work out for them. As he walked away he was sure he was being played for a fool.


End file.
